Column - Beyond the Range of Reason

Humour

by Jerry Nelson

The other day my wife and I were on an important grocery-hunting mission when we bumped into a friend. We had chatted for a few minutes when our friend commented, “You two always seem so happy whenever I see you.”


At that particular moment my apparent happiness was due to the fact that I had just spotted a sign proclaiming that my favorite brand of beer was on sale. But still, our friend had a point: my wife and I are fairly happy. We have managed to stay married for almost 28 years now, which is somewhat of an anomaly in a society where people change spouses almost as easily as they change socks.

I don’t claim to know the secret for a happy marriage. But, I have gleaned a few guy-oriented insights over the years and will gladly pass them along.

Dish soap and laundry detergent are powerful aphrodisiacs.
No, you don’t dab some behind your ears and slather a bunch on your manly area! You use the stuff as intended: to wash dishes and laundry. Nothing makes a guy look more like Brad Pitt that saying to his lady, “The dishes are done and I’m about finished with the laundry.”

Send her flowers for no particular reason.
This is especially effective if your Significant Other works with a group of women. Your lady will be asked by her coworkers if it’s her birthday or anniversary. When she says no, she will then be asked “What did he do?” to which your lady can answer “Nothing. He sent them just because.”

Guys, this is not a time to get cheap. Don’t go picking your neighbor’s azaleas and bringing them into your wife’s workplace. Go to a florist. Spend what you normally would for a weekend supply of beer. Scribble a little something on the card. The two simple words “just because” work beautifully.

Listen to her.
I mean really listen. That NASCAR race may be exciting, but who’s more important, your wife or Dale Jr.? Umm . . . don’t answer that.
Your wife needs to discuss in great detail the latest developments in her world. Women live in a different social universe than us guys, a Machiavellian place that’s rife with hidden enemies and secret alliances.

It’s much easier to be a guy. When we guys meet we simply grunt, cave man-like, in mutual acknowledgment and resume whatever we were doing, such as burping and scratching or maybe even burping WHILE scratching.

Females’ bizarre obsession with clothing is simply a by-product of their super-complex lives. When women decide what to wear, they weigh an infinitely intricate set of factors including “will any other woman in the entire galaxy be wearing this same outfit?” and “does this top go with these shoes and with my purse and with these slacks and with this eye shadow and . . .” You get the picture.
Guys, on the other hand, ask just two questions when deciding what to wear: A) Does this fit? and; B) Is it clean? Asking question B is optional.

Regularly take your lady love out on a date.
Couples with children at home lead incredibly busy lives. It’s not enough that you both hold down full-time jobs, you also have to run the kids hither and yon, to hockey practice, ballet lessons, piano lessons and soccer practice. I wouldn’t be surprised if “hamster petting lessons” made that list.

When our kids were young, my wife and I made a point of going on a date at least once a month. Upon announcing the impending outing, our kids would cheer and ask, “Do we get David?” David was our sitter, and was much cooler and a lot more fun than we. It eases the conscience when the kids sing and dance upon your taking leave of them for an evening.

Be nice to each other.
Some while ago my wife confided, “You know, I almost left you a couple of times during our early years. But I’d had two babies by then so I was stuck.”

I couldn’t have been more surprised. Leave? Me? A guy who is practically perfect in every way? But then I thought back to that time. There was the strain of operating a struggling dairy farm, the unrelenting workload, the dark pall of financial distress.
An old proverb says that every farmer needs a wife because there are some things you can’t blame on the weather or the government. I now realize that I at times acted in ways that put the sting of truth into that aphorism.

You have a bad day at work and when you get home you kick the dog. It grieves me to admit this, but there were times when I was nicer to the dog than my wife.

Therefore, the two most important words you can say are: I’m sorry. Say them often and mean it, even if you don’t think you’ve done anything wrong.

Perhaps especially if you don’t think you’ve done anything wrong.